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And………

………she’s gone. 

Another big sigh heard around the world and this time of relief. 

Louise finally left out on Saturday morning after Ellen took an entire day off of work on Friday to help her pack her SUV and 5 x 8 uhaul. Let it be noted that when we moved Charlie to Atlanta from Florida that I flew to Orlando, landed around 11:00 a.m. we drove to Deland where her house was, dropped off a rental car, picked up a 17′ uhaul, took it over to her house, only the two of us loaded [the entire thing, too, we could barely shut the door], drove it back to the uhaul place, attached a trailer to tow her car, loaded the car and took off for Georgia making it to Savannah, GA by 9:00 p.m. that night. Georgia then Florida and back to Georgia in a DAY. Yeah……but, like I told Charlie – we’re not dealing with a full bag here. 

Sunday, we went to Ellen’s and had a celebratory dinner, drank and smudged the house. It’s nice to have our friend back. But – there’s a new girl for Ellen on the horizon. I told Charlie that I bet the reason for Ellen finally dropping the hammer on the Ar-kansas discussions with Louise is that I thought she may have someone else on the horizon. She was like, Noooooo. 

Last night, Ellen and I were hanging out in the kitchen making a coliflower mash and she said she had a future date in November and that her and this person had been friends for awhile and were talking. Decided to take things slow. (Let’s hope for this girls sake that she makes the first move because if not then she’ll be on a walker before Ellen decides to do anything) I asked her if I guessed if she would tell me yay or nay and she said yes. I guessed it the first time – and, no, it’s not our friend, Cindy. 

Later, she told Charlie when we were having dinner. 

“You knew?”

“Yes, she told me in the kitchen while you were grilling the chicken.”

It’s sounded like this one is more of a full bag and I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Let’s hope for Ellen’s sake she’s a winner because she’s sure been through enough as it is. It’s nice to have our friend back, too. 

So, that’s the news. 

 

 

gone baby gone?

So…….

Louise is supposed to leave this week for Ar-Kansas.

How many times have we been through this? Well, answering that – too many to count.  Will Louise rent the u-haul in time? Will she really leave? Will she decide at the last minute to push it off even longer? (Feign car trouble or, God forbid another incident that left her impaired  extended her stay for another 7 months?) I think Ellen will surely lose her mind if she doesn’t leave on Saturday.

Charlie and I asked her yesterday if she had the U-haul reserved and she said she hadn’t.

“How freaking hard is it to pick up the phone and reserve a U-haul?” Charlie

“Sweetheart, these aren’t rational people we’re talking about.”

Charlie and I are supposed to go over to Ellen’s on Sunday and help smudge the house and eat food. We’ll see if it happens…..

What do you think? Will she really GO?

The sigh that –

-could be heard all around the world last night. At around 8 p.m. Did you hear it? Then, the OH.MY.GAWDED! Did you hear that? I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. If you were sitting around watching TV and wondered what that sound was that was it.

The reason being? Oh, you know I’m gonna tell you –

It has FINALLY come to fruition that Louise is going to “make-her-way-back-to-Ar-Kansas”. (I’ve heard it so many times the last three years it’s become a mantra, a saying, a theme, a something, we don’t know exactly but it’s there. For some of us it’s been a thorn in the side or a cause of GREAT frustration. (Ellen, me) for others a thing to ponder (Cindy, Charlie) a “When do you think she’s going to leave?” and “If they’re not getting along then she should leave.” AND “Well, she’ll leave when she leaves.”

Me – “I will believe it when I see the U-haul pulling out of the driveway.”

Seriously.

But, we were fooled and are fools believing that it could possibly be true. That she is leaving. Riiiiiight.

Yesterday, I got a message from Ellen on FB asking what Charlie and I were up to this weekend. I replied with the standard “I’m working” and she replied with two interesting paragraphs of saying that Charlie’s ex [Big Mac] was going to be in town on Sunday staying with her and going back to Florida on Monday. She had been up here seeing our friends, Gwyneth and Cathy and interviewed for a job (that she didn’t get) and was stopping in at Ellen’s on the way out of town.

Then – “Louise is packing up and leaving mid-week next week so I imagine I will have to help her pack.”

I about fell out of my chair. When I recovered,  I asked if she was driving her back to Ar-Kansas (like she’s done in the past 3 or 4 times – and please let’s not wonder why she’s always come back all these times.) I asked if she was getting a u-haul truck and towing her truck back or just pulling one behind. She replied just a pull behind and, no, she wasn’t driving her back that Louise didn’t ask and she wasn’t offering.

Storm clouds moving in – this was going to get ugly, I could tell. Normally, Ellen has always been supportive despite Louise’s difficult nature. She’s always been patient with her and said despite them not working (I mean, what’s not to work, right?) she needs to move on and Louise needs to “make-her-way-back…..” (not even going to finish that – you get the gist.)

All I want to say is “and, this is a shock to you why? I mean, this has been going on for THREE YEARS!” But, I say nothing. I’ve said nothing since this time when I became the bad guy.

I had to practically bite my fingers off from typing “are you sure she can get all her stuff in one little pull-behind uhaul?” and “she has a lot of stuff – enough to call YOU the hoarder.” and, of course the “It’s about time!” But, I didn’t.

I did say that maybe Big Mac could help Louise pack up  (since they were bosom best friends since this time, I thought) Ellen replied with her standard ;-)

SO, fast forward to last night. Charlie had a tough day but came home with some great news and I decided that we needed a night out at our fav mexican place. There was jazz going on that night in the neighborhood and Cindy was coming down to join some friends to listen. Charlie and I were sitting at the bar just having split some nachos and having beers when Cindy dropped in to chat a bit before she went over to jazz. We had promised to head over when we got our last margarita and catch up with her and some others. She had no more left the bar and I’d ordered our margarita when a text came in from Ellen saying,

“It looks like Louise is not going until the 20th or 22nd UGH!” (Like ;-), Ugh is another texting Ellenism -the girl can practically have entire texting conversations using those too things.)

Enter – collective sigh around the whole world and then the OH MY….and then me furiously texting Cindy saying Louise is aborting, abort, abort, NO SURPRISE and Charlie texting Ellen “Why?” and “Are you ok?”

Radio silence from Ellen.

We found Cindy and started telling her about the Louise debacle despite her friends, Lisa last-name-that’s-the-type-of-a-cow (and, the only reason I can remember it) and her new gf Val.

Cindy fell back into ponder mode, “Well, I wonder what happened and I guess she’ll leave sometime.”

Charlie had had it, I could tell she was like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and pissed. She had gone over to the frustrated side but I had started to leave that side to the hopeless side, the I-will-believe-it-when-the-uhaul-pulls-out side.

“Wonder why she’s not responding”

We were all checking our phones because we all texted her. (She probably then concluded that we were all together and drinking and, then, it wasn’t lost on all of us to wonder WHY she wasn’t there drinking with us. Ellen acts like it’s so unheard of to go out and party with friends without Louise even though she doesn’t want to be with her and wants her out)

“Maybe they’re having it out right now. Maybe Ellen is yelling ‘GET OUT’.” me

That got a laugh out of all of us because none of us could imagine Ellen doing that.

I texted Ellen and said, “You know you have my permission to tell her to leave this week.”

Ellen finally texted back that it was ok, really and that Louise had two.more. doctors appointments left that she had to go to and that they were leveling out her medicine and it was important that she go to these.

“What-the-F*ck-ever! She could have done this sh*t MONTHS ago!” Charlie

“She’s been stalling, we all know that.” Me

“Well, she’ll leave sometime.” Cindy

We both turned to her and said, “Really, Cindy?! Gawd!”

We all ended up at the bar again drinking and discussing the Ellen/Louise/move out situation.

“I just can’t believe it!”

“Oh, I can.” me

“Maybe we should just go over there and do an intervention.”

After all of us looking at our drinks we said, “Nah.” in unison.

It’s not lost on any of us that Louise could have checked out the doctor appointment situation before announcing that she was leaving mid-week instead of coming back later and saying “oops, no not until the 20th or 22nd. now.”

It’s a huge letdown for all of us. I was looking forward to having my friend back. I was even considering throwing a party. I was definitely planning on having her over for dinner many nights. I think Cindy had other plans.

To be continued…….

It’s August here in big, bad Georgia. Every time this month rolls around I start fantasizing about crisp fall walks, bike rides & camping. Football, beer and wings -you knew I had to add beer in there somewhere, didn’t you?

I’ve been blah this week. Probably for several reasons – one, I worked the weekend and typically I’m always dragging butt on Mondays. Two, the job hunting has been a bear. Yeah, I’ve applied to tons and actually had a phone call two weeks ago from the HR rep for a place I applied to. He was basically doing a weed-out of candidates via an initial phone interview. I thought it went well and received an email later saying “I passed” but nothing from any hiring manager. I applied for another job yesterday that I thought fit me like a glove – I mean, this job I would be perfect for but it still doesn’t mean I’ll even get a phone call. I also applied for another position within my company.

I decided after applying to those that I’m quitting for awhile. I need a break from looking, applying, hoping, praying, etc.

I’ve been taking on writing gigs online. They’re very small assignments, articles that pay about $1 for 100 words. The first one I signed up for was a 500 word article rating this powder that’s safe to use for bed bugs – not very sexy, I know. The next one I did was on rating two kinds of running shoes. That one was easy. I signed up to several sites that have writing assignments, some you bid or send a proposal to do and others you just write the article and wait to see if the subscriber or client picks it up. I’ve made a total of about $5 so far – I know, crazy but I have to start somewhere. I kind of get a kick out of it when someone picks up an article I wrote. It’s weekend beer money – so far I’ve made enough for one 16 oz. PBR.

Charlie and I do need to get out of town and breathe different air for awhile. I booked us the campsite in NC for Labor Day weekend. I’m very much looking forward to that. I’m hoping it will be cooler up there, no mosquitoes and nice weather and maybe a camper trailer.

PS: If you want to read my sexy published article on bed bugs comment or email and I will send you the link.

So, after the Peachtree and getting the water heater hooked up and finally taking a HOT shower we had some peeps over for a party. This included Ellen and Louise, Cindy, the two lesbians up the street, Carla and her new gf Haggis and of course, Charlie’s son and daughter-in-law. We had quite a crowd for it pouring down rain outside. I had wiped off chairs and pulled them into the carport and we listened to music, drank and carried on. We had a feast 0f pork butt, London broil and chicken along with that bean salad, a great melon salad that Ellen brought over, spicy slaw, macaroni and potato salad.

Carla’s new gf, Haggis was a trip. Carla typically dates these women that have to be the life of the party. I thought the only difference between this one and the last was the nationality (the one before was Irish and she hated that she drank all the time – go figure. This one is Scottish but doesn’t drink but acts like she drunk.) and cup size.  I thought this one slightly more likeable than the last but I was not overly won over – especially since she went around sticking her boobs in everyone’s face including Charlie’s. At least she kept Louise company because I’ve decided that I will only tolerate Louise but I don’t have to engage her. I initially acknowledge her upon arrival and then forget she exists.

I can’t believe Ellen is still dragging her around but wasn’t complaining too much because the last two races we did together Louise stayed home. The party wore on and next thing you know Charlie’s face down on the bed and I’m taking her shoes and pants off and tucking her in. Cindy and Ellen were out on the porch having an intense discussion – Cindy likes Ellen and like us all, wants Louise out of the picture. I came out and accidentally interrupted but nothing was going to happen as Louise was sulking in the chair playing some game on her phone. She’d been doing this since Haggis and Carla left. Fine with me – she was never the life of the party anyway – the life of anything for that matter.

Ellen got up and mumbled something about taking grumpy[ Louise] home and we said goodbye. Cindy sat back down and we continued drinking. I asked  her what her and Ellen were talking about.

“I asked her about her and Louise. I said that it didn’t seem they were a couple. There was no affection or anything.”

“Duh, Cindy. I mean this is been going on for how long?”

“Well, she said that Louise needed to make her way back to Arkansas.”

“My Gawd, this is still going on?! I mean, what the hale?!”

“I know. I could understand if they were in love and she was taking care of her but I don’t know…..”

“Well, all I know is that it’s Ellen’s problem not ours.”

The next day Ellen came over to take us all to hike Stone Mountain without Louise.

“Louise is not awake enough this morning to go.”

Good, because there would have been no way we would have all fit in the car with her here. We were taking Ellen’s car because she had a pass to get in to the park.

“She was a bit of a grump last night.”

I ignored it. I wasn’t about to take on that subject again. I’ve said my piece and I’m done. She’s on her own as far as I’m concerned. Charlie and I have enjoyed her company one on one whenever we can get it.

Ellen was meeting her trainer on the mountain to do their run up it. She’s lost quite a bit of weight since she’s been working out with her. I knew Ellen’s trainer, in fact had gone out on lousy a date with her once. It was years ago pre-Lee that I met this girl at Pride. She was a vegan, massage therapist. At the time I had had no luck with massage therapists (however, that’s changed since Charlie’s a massage therapist). We had agreed to go out to a restaurant nearby because she said they had the best vegan dishes. Whatever, I was just glad they had beer. We sat at this table outside and ordered drinks and talked.

“So, you’re a vegetarian, huh?”

“Yes, I don’t eat any meat what-so-ever.”

“For political reasons or health?”

“Well, mostly health but I don’t want to eat anything with a face. Especially pork.”

“Hmm, well ok.”

It was a pet peeve of mine when vegetarians said “anything with a face.” I mean, cows have faces but are stupid as sh*t so what the f*ck are you meant to do with them unless you eat them? I mean, I guess you could stick them in a field and collect ‘shroom’s’ from their poop and get high…..a thought. I was thinking this and staring at a red flag that had just popped up. In my mind it was the kid in the back of the room with his hand raised saying ‘pick me, me, me!’

“By the way those brussel sprouts look lovely.”

She was English, had an accent and did what some English people do saying every other sentence about something is “lovely, simply lovely”. Another flag shot up at the back of the room.

“Would you like a bite?”

“Yes, I would.”

I moved the plate closer to hers and she forked up a bite and ate it.

“Mmm, that is lovely.”

It was then that I realized that they had put bits of bacon in the Brussels. I mean, she says she’s vegetarian but can’t tell that there’s BACON in something? Is her taste buds dead from all the vegetables? I started laughing and put my head in my hands shaking my head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s that the reason they were so lovely is because they had BACON in them.”

“Oh.My.God. I can’t believe you made me eat that!”

“MADE you? I didn’t make you eat anything.”

Stupid b*tch, can’t even tell there’s bacon in something, I thought.

Vrrromp, vrromp, perooomp, rrrrrromp! Flags shooting up all over the place. ME, ME, ME, ME!

So, you can imagine how the date went after that – and, I did order the pork chop that night.  

Ellen knew the story but had never let on to her that I was the same Lanie that she knew previously. The carnivore that made her eat BACON.

Once on the mountain Kate-the-vegan-trainer showed up and Ellen introduced everyone. When she got to me she said “Oh, we’ve met before?”

As in a question.

“Yes, nice to see you again.”  I wanted to say, Yes, the bacon bitch.

I took Charlie’s hand and we started up the mountain.

Later Ellen said that she said, “Lanie and I have been out for a few drinks before.”

“No, one lame date. That’s all.”

the other story

Well, if you read the other blog you know we finally bit the bullet and invited Ellen and Louise over for a cookout.

Ellen hasn’t changed, done anything, grown a pair, woke up and smelled the biscuits, nothing about Louise. Louise is still interloping in her house despite Ellen’s meek protestations of having her there.

This past weekend she housed Charlie’s ex who had come in to town to visit both her and our friends Cathy and Gwen. Earlier in the week Charlie had messaged Ellen to give her the heads up so we couldn’t possibly run into them out anywhere.

“I really doubt they’re going to hang out in our ‘hood, hon. At least they’d better not.”

Ellen, however, assured her that she would let her know every move they made. Well, do you think she did? Nope. Nothing. Charlie finally got a message from Cathy saying that ex was at Ellen’s on Saturday. So, we relied on FB check-in’s – we checked in everywhere just in case. Saturday, we went to the art festival in downtown Decatur and took the dogs. They were model, well behaved dogs – other than Sadie trying to take popsickles away from toddlers walking by.

That night we met up with some friends and hung out. Cindy got a text from Ellen inviting her over to hang out on the porch. Cindy knew the whole situation between Ellen, Louise, ex, etc. and decided to play dumb and text back, “Oh hey, yeah I’m here with Lanie and Charlie sipping some beers but if we want to stop by later shall we?”

Ellen replied, “No, [ex] is here and that wouldn’t be good.”

Charlie and I decided to bury the hatchet and invite them over for a cookout the next evening [after the ex had left] I wondered if Ellen would show up with Louise in tow but didn’t even ask. I knew I would get “Of course she’ll bring her.”  I’m still mystified by it.

The next night, Cindy (who had in so many words that weekend of hanging out showed an interest in Ellen should Louise ever leave) Ellen, Louise, Opie, TC and Paulette showed up. For awhile there I really thought everyone was going to bag on us and Charlie and I would be stuck entertaining just Ellen and Louise.  I prayed for strength in numbers. Cindy even texted to say she may bail because of being up all night the night before and I replied, “NOOOOOOOO, I went over to Dry’s house for you and you owe me.”

So, everyone showed up at once including Louise. I groaned inwardly seeing her walk up the driveway. She still has some wrist protector on from this time. I had pulled chairs out on the porch and everyone grabbed drinks and sat down while Charlie grilled chicken and sausages. I went into the kitchen for a refill and Cindy came in and said, “Did you see how Louise wedged her chair right in between Ellen and I?”

I chuckled to myself. Cindy would have to move mountains if she was going to get Ellen to break away from her situation and find a way to get rid of Louise. We’d all been working that problem.

Outside we’re sitting around eating and Ellen is showing us pictures of this puppy she found on her street. It was a Dachshund mix.

“Don’t you need another dog?”

“No, we’re good with our two dogs. Why don’t you want it?”

“Oh, it’s just a pain having a puppy and a lot of work.”

The puppy seemed like a cakewalk compared to Louise and why didn’t she just make Louise take care of it?

“We have to have it neutered, too.”

“Well, yeah”, this was Charlie talking, “get rid of those balls.”

Yeah, and give them to Ellen – she could use some, I thought.  

“I’m just going to wrap a rubber band around them and they’ll eventually fall off.” Louise said.

I thought Charlie was going to hit her with the spatula she was using to grill. [I kinda wished she would have, to be honest]

“You can’t do that. That’s cruel and painful for the dog.”

“Well, it’s just a stray.”

So are you, I thought. I had to get up and leave the conversation after that. I went in and got a refill and talked to Cindy a bit. I mostly talked to everyone except Louise. I didn’t even introduce her to my friends, TC and Paulette namely because she wasn’t around when we had introductions and I didn’t know what to call her – “This is Ellen’s squatter, Louise”

Of course, they were the last to leave. Ellen had walked all the way down to the street where she parked the car. At first, I thought she was leaving her there and just going. I thought, “Good for her.” And then, “Wait, don’t leave her here.”  She was just moving the car up the driveway so she wouldn’t have to walk far. I gave Ellen a hug and went into the house. I was tired and ready for bed and I wasn’t about to sit outside and listen to Louise ramble on while she toked on her pot pipe.

 

Like I said on the other blog – I’m really looking forward to getting through this weekend and Monday – Wednesday and being off for a long holiday weekend. Charlie and I are planning some fun things. In the meantime, Big Mack is still planning on coming up for the weekend/week. She’s apparently staying with Ellen the holiday weekend and then going up to C and G’s the following week. Ellen assured Charlie and she would provide a complete itenerary of what her and BM (lol – I just realized that BM could also stand for bowel movement. I’m so bad!) plan to do while she’s here so we won’t bump into them. I highly doubt they will go anywhere near the places that Charlie and I haunt. Ellen (despite always complaining she’s broke) only goes to restaurants in downtown Decatur that you have at least a 45 minute wait that serves very expensive tapas not to mention entres. (Wow, I just realized that sounds exactly like my sister)

I think it will be interesting to see what happens. (Close your eyes, Charlie) Part of me suspects that Ellen and BM will have an affair. Maybe this is just my outrageous imagination. But, part of me thinks that may be good for both of them. It would get Ellen laid, possibly Louise out of the house and finally on her way to Ar-Kansas and BM out of Charlie’s @ss. (the badness just keeps continuing, I can’t help it)

In other news, I’m wanting to take a motorcycle trip up to Indiana with my instructor peeps for a conferance. Originally, I was going to stay with sister but realized why ride all that way and not get to hang with my peeps? I could just see it now if she knew I were coming. She’d plan some lousy family party with the rest of the realatives. Like the dual birthday party she planned for both my father and I two years ago. She knows I have no relationship with him but yet she planned a stupid party. She’s always doing this crap to me. So, I doubt if I will let anyone in Indiana know that I’m coming up in August. I have hopes of getting our camper by September so we can go to Jeykll Island and camp with the dogs. Keep your fingers crossed!

So, in June it will be Charlie and me’s official 1 year! Whoot!

 

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